Mike's 2004 Film Reviews - Part 1

THE LAST SAMURAI (UCI Cardiff):

Tom Cruise is magnificent as ever as a drunken bum ex-war hero hired by a Japanese businessman to train the US Army against the legendary Samurai. Superb performances by all the cast it explains the honour, skill and art of the Samurai warrior and tragically shows how the invention of the gun enables cowards to defeat them – at a distance. It does get a bit ‘Hollywood’ at times, and is no Braveheart, but it follows Cruise on an epic journey from being a ‘gun hero’ to becoming a sober skilled ‘warrior’. There is a difference. Respect due. 8/10.


STUCK ON YOU (Odeon Bridgend):

Worried that this may be another rude patronising story about disability but fortunately Adam Sandler isn’t in it and Greg Kinnear is. And a humble Mat Damon for once. Kinnear appears in many movies and has one of those names that escapes you but he is truly excellent – apart from the terrible song at the end! His bad singing is matched only by Cher’s dreadful acting. She can’t even play herself. If you didn’t know it is the story of two conjoined twins – joined at the waist – and explains the advantages and disadvantages of living your life in that condition. It works remarkably well and you can’t help but me moved by the ingenuity and skills people develop. Almost every sort of awkward scenario is played out and you can now appreciate and accept how people can actually live that way. I was very happy that the humour was with them and not against them and delighted with a happy ending for a change. I’m tired of seeing death, killing and tragic endings on screen. This is light relief and a movie that moves you in a nice way for a change. 7/10.


GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING (UCI Cardiff):

After hearing this was nominated for several awards we thought we’d check it out. Beautifully shot as if every scene is an oil painting it is based on the premise that every painting has a story behind it. In this case it is the story about a portrait of an ordinary girl wearing a pearl earring. Who is she? Not the artist’s wife? A mistress perhaps? No it’s the maid. Wearing the wife’s earrings – oh dear. You learn how the artist mixes his paint from exotic materials and captures hers and his own mood. Scarlett Johansson was nominated for awards but Colin Firth is extremely good as a man who says it all despite saying very little. Fascinating but not particularly entertaining. Apparently this very picture hangs in a gallery in Holland. I bet it’s gone up a couple of Euros now. 5/10.


EQUILIBRIUM (DVD):

Starring one of my favourite actors Christian Bale this is a George Orwell ‘1984’ sort of story where the World is governed by an unknown controlling voice known as the ‘Father’. In order to prevent anger and war all humans are required to surpress their feelings and emotions by using a drug called ‘Prozium’. Those who show any sign – and I mean ANY sign – of emotion are immediately exterminated. Bale plays a ‘Cleric’ and is one of the highest skilled exterminators. After accidentally failing to take his daily dose he feels emotion for a day and this changes his life forever. He joins the ‘resistance’ who live below the street surface and they plot to remove the ‘Father’ which will then allow people to live freely.
Entirely predictable but brilliant. Bale shows just what a talented boy he is with skills which would put Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise to shame. Very good movie but whilst watching you can’t help but spot the numerous references and scenes taken from other movies. I’m sure the writer of The Matrix would raise an eyebrow or two watching this. But he’d enjoy it! 8/10.


CROCODILE DUNDEE (ITV):

I remembered this as being a funny iconic movie, but all it is is childish Hollywood trash. It is okay and watchable but man does it look dated. And the acting is dreadful. Made worse by the fact that this censored ITV version cuts out all the amusing parts – i.e. the bad language. Poor. 4/10.


ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ (DVD):

Clint Eastwood plays Joe Morris, the alleged mastermind behind the only ever successful escape attempt from The Rock in San Francisco. Classic story. Classic movie. Great performances. Genius. 8/10.


SCARY MOVIE 3 (UCI Cardiff):

Yes it’s the Zucker brothers back with their slapstick Airplane-Naked Gun-PoliceSquad comedy that we all love. Better than Scary Movie 2 (apart from the hilarious Gay Ray) but no way as funny as their earlier work, the Zucker’s re-introduce life into a lost comic art – taking things literally. Has its moments and makes you smile but no awards for this one! 5/10.


MASTER AND COMMANDER (UGC Newport):

Russell Crowe stars as a hard nosed, highly respected but compassionate Captain of a British sea vessel briefed to patrol and destroy the French as Napoleon sets out to conquer the World. During their patrol they encounter the deadly Archeron ship which cripples Crowe’s vessel, a deed he takes quite personally. Crowe becomes obsessed with rebuilding his damaged vessel and does all he can to catch and destroy and humiliate the Archeron and indeed does so with some gusto. Much better than I expected and features some of the best ‘ship at sea’ footage I’ve ever seen. Beautifully filmed and brilliantly played out by all the cast it deserves a Best Film/Best Director nomination, but unfortunately this year it has no chance against LoR: Return of the King. 8/10.


SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE (UCI Cardiff):

Heart-warming story about two ageing business folk starring Jack Nicholson and Dianne Keaton. Although this is entirely predictable and you think you’ve seen the movie having seen the trailer the really superb script and magnificent acting by the two Hollywood legends really makes this movie memorable. Superb. The most enjoyable movie I’ve seen so far this year and can’t wait to see it again. 9/10.


DEVIL’S ADVOCATE (DVD):

Keanu Reeves at his best (yes he does have a best) as a talented lawyer who turns out to be the son of Satan. In fact the movie suggest all lawyers are son of Satan, which hurts. What came first this movie or Marilyn Manson? Pacino’s speeches about God making us like we are yet we are told to conform and act against our natural instincts is a big point, and what MM is all about. They have a point you know… Very good but more science fiction than anything to be taken seriously. 6/10.


THE PATRIOT (DVD):

This film made me so angry. Patronising and insulting. Another example of paranoid Americans with inferiority complexes making total fools of themselves, yet they still save the day. We should all bow down, pay homage and be grateful. America. The country with the highest gun mortality rate in the Universe: Oooohh better watch those Japs, can’t trust them. And the Germans of course. Nazis. And the Chinese. Commies. And the Middle East. War mongers. And the Russians. Up to something they are. And the Koreans. Mmmm. And the French. Poofs. Don’t like the Spanish much either. Or Africans. Australians can keep well away. Not fussed on the South Americans actually. Or Canadians. Jealous of us they are. And in this movie it’s the British who are tainted with the title of ‘heartless tyrants who oppose freedom’. What utter tripe. Yes, that’s so accurate. This is what the British are famous for of course. Playing dirty and killing people for no reason. Yes. Yes of course, the World should be grateful that Americans exist to protect our freedom. Yes. I get it. Thanks guys. Phew. If only everyone was as kind, loving and compassionate as Americans, man the World would be such a better place… I’m so happy they are here to look after us all. Let us all kneel and say a prayer. God Bless the USA. Everyone else can just rot in hell. Be afraid. Be very afraid. 8/10 for cinematography. 1/10 for the defamatory concept. 4/10 overall.


SCHOOL OF ROCK (UGC Newport):

As predictable as rain in Mountain Ash I was somewhat sceptical going in but I came out smiling. Its about a wannabe ‘rock star’ played by Jack Black who gets sacked by his local band. To pass the time away, and pay the rent, he poses as a temp school teacher and encourages them to set up a band, with him as the lead. Ridiculous yes but Jack Black’s unrelenting enthusiasm is so infectious you can’t help but get involved and love this movie, and the time just flies by. Take it for what it is and you’ll love it. In fairness Black is superb and carries the whole movie from start to finish and surprisingly he never gets annoying (in contrast to the tedious Tenacious D). Its no wonder he was nominated for a Golden Globe. Very talented guy. Very impressive. 7/10.


CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN (UCI Cardiff):

Steve Martin attempts a comedy comeback and although he doesn’t have a funny script to work with he is back to what he does best – physical comedy. He is a lower league US Football coach who lives out in the sticks with his wife and 12, yes, TWELVE children. As you can imagine the house is a riot, but unfortunately the kids just aren’t cute enough to love. They are all monsters. Martin and his wife love them anyway but when Martin is offered his dream job to Coach a Division 1 US Football team they family move from the fields into the suburbs. When Mom has to go on a tour to promote her latest book Martin is left alone with the kids and his new Football team. Great recipe for demonstrating the importance of teamwork then, but this is never fully explored. The only teamwork demonstrated by the kids are ways of humiliating their oldest sister’s boyfriend (Ashton Kutcher) and try to convince their Dad to go back to the more friendly sticks. It does get a touch emotional when you realise that a human‘s greatest dream and achievement are kids, not trophies but unfortunately there are just too many rotters here to convince me of that as yet! More Home Alone than Swiss Family Robinson, its just ‘ok’. 5/10.


THE LIFEBOAT (DVD):

B&W Hitchcock Classic about Americans stranded on a lifeboat. They appear to be drifting nowhere until they come across a well trained German officer who apparently knows where he’s going. Very interesting but ultimately unfulfilling as the ending is left up in the air, as in some other Hitchcock movies. No question Hitchcock is a genius but you can’t help feel a bit cheated when nothing happens at the end. 6/10.

UNBREAKABLE (DVD):

Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson are at both ends of the spectrum – Willis never gets ill or injured, Jackson has brittle bones and is never out of plaster. What is their purpose? What is their secret? Very interesting story and to discuss it any further without you seeing it would ruin the whole idea. Mr. Night Shamalamadingdong does it again. Great movie with superb performances, by Willis in particular. 8/10.


RESIDENT EVIL (DVD – Ukraine):

Based on the computer game this is a violent fantasy story about zombies and the need to kill them. People are trapped in an underground ‘world’ but after something blows up the radiation kills everyone – or does it? Yes before you know it everyone is re-incarnated as a zombie and try to feed on everyone left who isn’t. The zombies look quite good but are slower than a slow thing that goes very slow, so why people panic and run like the clappers to get away from them – yet don’t – I don’t know. Pretty gruesome in places but pretty pointless. Marilyn Manson did the music score. 5/10.


KILL BILL Vol.1 (DVD – Ukraine):

Uma Thurman as you’ve never seen her before – as an angry young woman with a serious desire for vengence. Yes totally over the top and typically Tarantino violent but you can’t help but side with her and share her need to kill everything in sight. Great Direction and has some stunning memorable images, not least the opening scene. Wow. Some of the fight sequences are out of this World and prompted my knowledgeable brother in law to say – ‘wow, better than Matrix’. I agree. It is obviously influenced by Japanese-manga type stories yet despite being predictable it is like Pulp Fiction in that it is enjoyable despite being unpleasant. Looking forward to Part 2. 7/10.


YOU’VE GOT MAIL (Five):

Touching love story starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan who whilst being rival book sellers by day are anonymous romantic internet lovers at night. You know where its headed but Hanks is magnificent (as usual) and Ryan quirky and fun so no matter how many times you see this movie you can’t help but love it. Excellent. 9/10.


STARSKY & HUTCH (Nantgarw Showcase):

After all the hype one has to see it, and once it started all the memories of the old 70s show - and how I loved it - came flooding back. I remember my old mate Nick Vigus and I riding our bikes and running around like maniacs with our hands clenched in front of us shouting freeze. And that car, what a car! Makes me want to dig out my old toy box. I know it’s in there somewhere. Ben Stiller plays Dave Starsky, an over zealous, by-the-book law abiding save the day freak. Owen Wilson plays Ken Hutchinson, a smoothy with more than a few skeletons in his closet and probably a few felonies too. Together they are a great pairing - and Wilson is superb - but Stiller is so over the top with the ‘high energy’ Starsky thing you tend to cringe more than laugh. Look out for the hilarious Will Ferrell too! Yes forget about the naff plot, just like all 1970s cop shows, and enjoy the dialogue and expressions on their faces. It has its moments but is not all that its cracked up to be but would like to see a sequal. Enjoyable, nostalgic, brain out fun. 7/10.


END OF DAYS (ITV2):

I remember this being a bit naff but remember Gabriel Byrne being superb as the devil – how wrong I was. This is truly dreadful. Schwarzenegger is a gun happy security guard who stumbles upon a plot to kill this girl. As it happens this girl is destined to be the mother of the devil’s child on Millennium Eve. The Devil uses Byrne’s body to live amongst the mortals, indulging himself along the way. Yes of course the Devil and Schwarz meet face to face and Schwarz answer to everything is to plug round after round into the unaffected Byrne. Despite the fact that bullets do diddly squat doesn’t put Arnie off thus the repeated plugging goes on and on throughout the movie with a few exaggerated explosions along the way. That is until he enters the Church, sees Jesus on the cross, drops his gun and realises that faith, praying and a major leaflet campaign is the only thing to bring down the super powerful anti-christ. Sorry, but I agree with Byrne’s comments in this one… Rubbish. Total tripe. And some of the worst special effects since Jaws 3D. 2/10.


ALONG CAME POLLY (Nantgarw Showcase):

Interesting comedy-love story starring Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston. Stiller is a clean, tidy, super accurate risk assessor for an insurance company, Aniston is an unkempt disorganised wild child. They are the classic odd-couple and as I write this is sound like an Orange commercial… i.e. you’ve heard it all before. Despite its apparent obviousness and predictability the story does take some unexpected strange twist here and there which keeps you interested. Stiller is excellent and Aniston is just herself (!) and although not a novel idea or tale it is fun to watch. 7/10.


50 FIRST DATES (UCI Cardiff):

Hold your breath, its another weird patronising Adam Sandler movie – except this isn’t. This is superb. After charming tourists with tales of his work with exotic animals, zoo vet Sandler finally meets a girl whom he loves. Unfortunately she was injured in a road accident several years ago and suffered minor brain damage meaning she can’t retain any memory for more than 24 hrs. It is billed as a comedy but it is really an ingenious serious heart warming tearjerker which got both Lina and I reaching for the tissues. Marvellous performances by all the cast and great to see Sandler acting like a grown up for a change. Very fulfilling, honest and heart warming without being all ‘Hollywood’ and Americanised. It can be done. We both loved it. 8/10.


WHAT LIES BENEATH (ITV2):

Promising thriller starring Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfieffer. The idea starts well. Pfieffer was injured in a road accident and her husband, Ford, is an award winning genetic scientist. Pfieffer is trying to regain her memory following the accident and starts being haunted by – herself? Yes in a ‘Sixth Sense’ kind of way she sees ghosts which look like herself. We thought we could predict where it was going, i.e. Pfieffer was killed in the car crash but was revived and regenerated by her talented genetic expert husband. She’s then haunted by her own soul which will not rest until her physical body joined it. That would then raise arguments about man interfering with biology without considering one’s soul – which will not rest whilst the physical being remains. Sound interesting? I thought so.
We sat gleefully anticipating this plot unfolding only to find out that the whole thing centred around Ford having an affair with a student who looked like Pfieffer, killed her to avoid the embarrassment, and Pfieffer’s hauntings were nothing more than the girl’s ghost trying to tell her her husband was naughty once. Rubbish, pointless rubbish. Our idea was better. Match this dreadful naff unimaginative plot with some appalling over-acting, lengthy something-is-going-to-jump-out-any-minute-and-does-but-its-not-scary pauses, scenes jumping around all over the place, and a shameless ending straight out of The Terminator and you’ve got a real turkey here. A shocker, but not in the way they intended. A New Entry in my All-Time Top 60 CRAP list. 2/10.


THE GODFATHER (Five):

At last! It’s been on TV! Three weeks running on Channel 5! Hoorah for the greatest movies ever made! I’ve wanted to see these epics for years but was too tight to buy the video…
Ok, here we go. Armed with a jug of tea, 12 packets of crisps and a box of Celebrations time to sit down for three weeks and watch the never ending story of the Corleoni family.

The legendary Marlon Brando, complete with cotton wool cheeks, is the head of one of the biggest gangster ‘families’ in the US. Unbeknown to me there are actually five ‘families’ all fighting for the title of baddest, richest family in New York. Their fortunes are gained from corruption, drug trafficking, gambling and running pubs, clubs and bars. And a few professional hits along the way.
Michael Corleoni (played by Al Pacino) is the second eldest son of Marlon and the only one who has a bit of nouse and intelligence. Whilst all his brothers spend their time snorting, shagging, gambling, fighting and shooting everyone they don’t like he goes to College wanting nothing to do with the family and their disgusting ways.
After several attempts on his life – and the stresses of keeping the wool in his mouth whilst speaking (why???) – Brando is taken seriously ill and is detained in a secret location. During a visit Michael stands guard outside putting off potential assassins with a serious face which encourages them to drive on by. After this powerful experience all his morals seem to go out the window and he thinks he’s hard. He’s all set and ready to plug the shit out of his first victim. He does so and quite enjoys it.
Lots of things happen in this movie but the bottom line is that in one fell swoop Michael seems to change his ways overnight and becomes a bigger bastard than his dying father. By the end of the movie he is the ‘head’ of the family business and to be honest becomes quite a detestable shit. And so it continues… 7/10.


THE GODFATHER II (Five):

Now that Michael is king of the empire and killed all his enemies his next job is to eliminate the competition. Unlike his father who offered a truce and partnership with the other five ‘families’ Michael wants none of it. Using his growing power and influence – and his blockheads – he slowly and meticulously bumps off the rival families one by one, whilst he is in Church having his soul cleansed, until he really is the ‘Daddy’ of gangster land. Such power can affect ones personality and ego and we end up with another rendition of Scarface where the power consumes him and rips both he and his own family apart. 6/10.


THE GODFATHER III (Five):

As above but Michael’s daughter is heir to the throne. Daddy don’t kill people don’t kill people don’t kill people. Ok honey I’ll go to Church and repent my sins. Next day - Dad that girl pulled faces at me so this year for Xmas I’ll have KILLashnikov 4750 35mm with triple head ceramic barrels with repeat action gattling gun servos and metal piercing titanium imploding rod dart bullets. And a nuclear warhead. Pleeeeease. Ok honey. On it goes… Bored now. 4/10.

Good story overall, and you have to admire the quality, but at the same time it is ridiculously long, very clichéd and corny and therefore very disappointing. It is so over-rated. Maybe the hype that surrounds it spoils it. To me its just another gangster movie with little men shooting big men. The idea could have been summed up in one film really. Glad I’ve seen it but not in a hurry to go through it all again, even though I might have to to understand it properly.